The 6 Guys You Meet on Fourth of July
209: 4th of July Special Guide
So we all made it to the 4th of July. This has to be one of the slowest weeks of the entire year for things in the corporate world. Anyone above Associate is generally long gone in the Hamptons or on Nantucket or upstate, it’s nearly impossible to get contracts signed, operations procedures finalized, or reaching clients.
I wrapped up all work today around 11AM and went shooting and fishing. It’s a good week to just go touch some grass as the folks on Twitter are saying.
Mentally reset, enjoy some ice cold bevvies, and celebrate the fact that summer has finally kicked into full swing. Tonight I’m keeping the message light hearted and easy going with some caricatures of the classic characters we. all meet during the 4th of July holiday.
Perfect to read through while you’re grilling or starting the consumption vortex with some heavy tequila sodas or gin and tonics.
If you guys missed our other posts this week you can read them below:
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OUT EAST CHADWICK
Ah yes. The full send out East. Some of my best memories from my 20’s were absolutely launching into the Hamptons for a week of festivities on Long Island. Not only is the ambience perfect for Fourth of July but you get to enjoy some of the most attractive people on the Eastern Seaboard all locked into a small radius in Easthampton, Montau, or Amagansett.
Out East Chadwick got off work early Monday and proceeded to hit the LIRR directly to Montauk. He’s got a small Yeti cooler, some searsucker shorts, and a blow up mattress on the floor of an Air BNB out East. Gin shots are standard on the train to get into the mood but Chadwick is pissed he couldn’t afford Blade this year due to inflation and his meager sales performance this quarter. He was going to try and get a gig from a guy he knew at Credit Suisse but that fell through.
So this weekend is all about consuming as much liquor as possible and trying to get lucky in the line at Surf Lodge in Montauk.
By day 2 Chadwick is so hungover he can barely walk and the outlook emails are starting to pile up. Chadwick genuinely has no clue how he’s going to get back to the city but that’s not something he will worry about until Sunday night at 5pm.
Stephen Talkhouse, Southampton Social, and The Crow’s nest all need to be thoroughly inspected for rockets before the trip can be complete. The only thing patriotic about the trip is the fact that he and his boys don’t stop talking about how based it is they are in The Hamptons plus one of the guys brought an American flag bandanna that they keep trying to get a girl to wear as a bra.
Eventually they get someone to put it on except it’s some vagrant man hanging out by the railroad tracks after the group stumbles home to hail a $200 cab outside Surf Lodge at 1am.
CLASSIC DAD BOB
Grills fired up. New Balances are laced up. Jorts or Cargo Shorts are fitted perfectly. New mesquite charcoal bag queued up. Dogs and burgers have been sourced and classic bob dad is ready to live the 4th up to fullest. He might dabble a bit with a spicy IPA or thick lager but for the most part he’s just happy to be out in the backyard with his grill ripping and the family dog frolicking around.
After all — what’s better than some grilled foods, summer weather, Bruce Springsteen blaring on the backyard audio system, and a freshly cut lawn?
Not much.
Not much at all.
He’ll tell the kids to “cut the horseplay” in the pool 5 times, and announce to everyone very loudly that all the burgers are going to have cheese. In his castle classic dad Bob is king and the thought of any vegans or vegetarians at his house makes him shudder with disgust.
As the night wears on classic dad Bob loosens up and gives the poolside guests a nice little shimmy while Madonna plays.
He’s completely in his element. A king throwing a lavish feast for his citizens.
If he’s lucky classic dad Bob might even get some action later that night from good wife Susan if the dishes can all be washed and the party goers end up conking out early. The special treat for classic dad Bob is the leftover baked beans and hot dogs he stashes away for the next day — he’ll rip those in 2 minutes for lunch while he watches the latest episode of Sean Hannity in his recliner.
Classic dad Bob knows how to enjoy the 4th in style. Sure he’s not as degenerate as some of our other characters on today’s list but he has a pragmatic and well played approach to the 4th.
SETH THE STOCK SHILLER
Seth’s usually an uncle or corporate employee fresh out of school. Maybe he has an internship at Northwestern Mutual or Fisher investments.
He’s the family finance guy. Except you’re not sure exactly what he does.
He comes to the 4th of July party ready to talk shop — politics don’t interest him, only moving fat size and talking greenbacks.
He’s furiously refreshing his Robinhood app on his cracked Iphone despite the fact that the markets are closed. You check him surfing only fans 10 minutes into the party in the kitchen.
You can find him giving a lecture on the best penny stocks at the children’s table near the pool. After his audience tires there he’ll move onto the adults at the party who are now 5-6 glasses of wine deep.
Here’s where Seth gets super wasted on warm beers from the bucket by the pool. He’s in his element recommending risky crypto exchanges and his “still bullish” outlook on SPACs. Seth also had the brilliance to shill FTX, Celsius, Carvana, and other gems last year at the Fourth of July. He lost his cousins $200,000 collectively.
Seth gets some joy out of the 4th of July but for him it’s just another networking opportunity and chance to share his alpha with the family.
After all - the boomer portfolios his relatives have just aren’t going to cut it in this volatile macro environment we are in.
As the night winds down and the fireworks start going off you can find Seth trying to pick up on women, explaining the value of Dollar Cost Averaging while sipping a $19.99 dollar Red from Bevmo.
Seth is thankful for capitalism and by extension America — after all, without free markets Seth’s family hedge fund would cease to exist. If you catch him before the party ends he just might clue you in on a new sardine oil biotech start up he’s eyeing in Indonesia.
FRAT STAR RALPH
Frat Star Ralph is fresh out of freshman year of college — he’s usually a younger cousin, brother, or friend the boys haven’t seen in awhile — maybe he goes to Elon, Richmond, UVA, or Bucknell.
You can count on him to join you in depravity on the 4th.
He hails from the Northeast or Deep South and he’s determined to bring home the high intensity alcohol consumption and recklessness of his fraternity to the family function regardless of who’s around. It’s only 10am and he’s already ripping into a handle of Tito’s or Espolon tequila.
When the party starts going as happy hour cranks up Frat Star Ralph takes the chance to plug in to the AUX and rip a new Kygo/Biggie Smalls/ 2 Chainz Dubstep remix of Party in The USA. The neighborhood moms that have been shotgunning xanax and vodka immediately gravitate towards the deep bass.
Frat Star Ralph loves the scene now. He can rest easy for the night and enjoy the fireworks while he texts his frat brothers about the recent Supreme Court rulings and how it could affect Fall party attendance.
Lippers are mandatory and if you’re kind and compliment him on his needlepoint belt or college themed croakies he might lip you a 6mg of Zyn as the evening starts to ramp up.
You can find him in the family room scrolling Tinder or Bumble while he checks his sports bets on Draftkings or as the night begins to escalate, setting up drinking games with the high schoolers in the garage. You can’t help but admire the youthfulness and commitment to the rizz.
UNCLE CHARLIE THE LIQUOR HOUND
Uncle Charlie, the notorious character in our family, is the one who always manages to make the 4th of July celebration unforgettable—for better or worse. With a mischievous grin and a twinkle in his eye, he saunters into the festivities, armed with his trusty cooler and a six-pack of his favorite brew or handle of his favorite liquor.
It's no secret that Uncle Charlie has a penchant for indulging in a few too many drinks during this annual summer gathering. Last year he threw the 3 legged family dog into the deep end.
As the sun reaches its zenith, Uncle Charlie's transformation begins. From a jovial, easygoing relative, he morphs into a spirited and boisterous soul, his laughter carrying across the yard. He regales everyone with exaggerated tales of patriotic valor, accompanied by a healthy dose of slurred speech and animated gestures. His enthusiasm is infectious, and soon the entire family finds themselves drawn into his tales, laughing and cheering along.
However, as the afternoon wears on and the sun starts its descent, Uncle Charlie's exuberance tends to cross into the realm of "too much." His once steady gait becomes a stumbling shuffle, and his jokes become increasingly nonsensical. Like clockwork, 4th of July marks the annual sighting of Uncle Charlie's epic battle against gravity, as he valiantly attempts to navigate the backyard lawn, inevitably losing the fight and landing with a dramatic thud. The sound of uproarious laughter follows, a mix of concern and amusement from his audience.
Despite his propensity for inebriation, Uncle Charlie's spirit never wanes. He radiates a genuine love for his family and for life itself. He may be the one who always gets a bit too tipsy on the 4th of July, but he's also the uncle who never fails to remind us of the importance of celebrating, letting loose, and cherishing the bonds we share. His antics have become part of our family's folklore, adding a unique and unforgettable twist to our annual Independence Day traditions.
So, as the fireworks light up the night sky, we raise our glasses and toast to Uncle Charlie, the one who ensures that our 4th of July celebrations will always be remembered.
BUNKER HILL BILLY
Everyone knows a Bunker Hill Billy — the hardo who absolutely loves the 4th of July for it’s patriotic symbolism and good old fashioned American supremacy. He’s likely to rip off his Brooks Brothers khakis to reveal. an American flag speedo or Borat G String.
He smuggled in some illegal fireworks to the party and he likely works as a Go Cart Racing instructor, Insurance salesmen, or is working towards becoming a cop. His boldness with explosives is fueled by the handle of fireball he has stashed behind the hydrangea bushes in the backyard which is now 85 degrees after baking in the sun all day. He eats his sunburn with pride and mixes in coors light shotguns between gainers off the top deck of the house into the 5 foot deep pool.
If anyone is headed to the emergency room tonight it’s Billy, but the party loves his energy and you can’t help but admire its absolute recklessness. His irreverence and utter disregard for societal norms on his nation’s independence day is enviable and beautiful to watch.
After roasting in the sun all day and reaching a catatonic state only achievable through mixing 9 different types of alcohol, Bunker Hill Billy heads to his 2001 Honda Civic to get a massive semi legal firework that he rigged himself for the grand finale.
Hope you all have an epic 4th of July — we’ll be back tomorrow with a paid post on the best ways to address and eliminate anxiety — which I think will be well timed given the dread most feel returning to work during the summer but also after a major holiday.
I’ve compiled a lot of the best tips and pointers from high profile individuals and performers who share their tips and tricks to eliminating anxiety so you can be happier and more successful in your day to day life. If that sounds like something you’d be interested in consider upgrading to premium below.
Peace!
“He’s completely in his element. A king throwing a lavish feast for his citizens.”
Could not relate any better - this had me dying. We got two tomahawks on deck for tomorrow, a billion pounds of dogs, brats and ground chuck, plus enough bevvies to make a viking king blush.
Another great one, Andy. Happy 4th!